Tag: Relationships

Reasons Most Daughter In-laws Have Trouble Getting Along With Their Mother-in-law 

Reasons Most Daughter In-laws Have Trouble Getting Along With Their Mother-in-law 

Many women report tension in their relationship with their mother-in-law, a conflict that is associated with increased marital dissatisfaction (Rittenour and Koenig Kellas, 2015).

Here’s some of the psychology behind this cliche, and you can find greater peace.

Of all the relationships in family life, the one between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is often the most tenuous one. While it’s possible for these two women to share close bonds, it’s common for it to be tense (or worse), with shaky truces being silently negotiated every couple of months. To use the word “truce” might make you think of a war, and it’s true; sometimes this relationship gets downright embattled.

But why? If there’s a battle, where and why do a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law draw lines? What is the point of tension? From my perspective, that’s an easy one to answer: the battle is for the husband/son.


You Are Probably Not the Partner Your In-Laws Would Have Chosen for Their Child.

Why did you choose your romantic partner? Physical attractionCreativityIntelligence? A good sense of humor? The traits that we value in our mates are not the same as those our parents value in mates for us. While we value traits such as physical attractiveness, an exciting personality, or a good sense of humor, our parents are more likely to value characteristics such as a good family background, sound financial prospects, or a similar religious or ethnic background (Apostolou2015aPerriloux et al., 2011). Because of these different preferences, we may choose mates for ourselves whom our parents would not have chosen for us. This may lead to an initial dislike on the part of our in-laws, which can be difficult to overcome.


Boys need moms.

To better understanding this, we should first note the unique bond between mother and son. For the son’s part, studies have shown definitively that without the proper attachment to his mother, a male’s chances of being violent or showing other instabilities grow noticeably. The same is not true of girls. (Girls and women, in general, do not tend toward physical violence like boys and men). So, while it is often emphasized how often boys need a father to raise them into a man, this is true when it is time, but in the earlier years it is through the motherly bond that a boy learns lessons he will need as a man. He learns the truth of love through her gaze and care first. In other words, a man makes a man, but we want more than a man – we want Christian gentlemen – and it is the mother that puts the gentle in a gentleman.


For the mother’s part, attachment to her son is also uniquely strong compared to mothers and daughters. A daughter grows more like the mother as she becomes a woman. But a boy grows more unlike her. He clings more and more to the men and friends that he will be like. He especially clings to the father during adolescence. So, the relation becomes more distant even if the bond is unbreakable (think of Jesus “leaving” Mary during his public ministry to do His “Father’s business”). This does not mean it grows less loving or close. But at some point they begin to know each other as man and mother and not boy and mother. There’s a difference.

The necessary separation.

Yet, as special as the bond is, a boy must have the “apron strings cut” or he risks being what we might call a “mama’s boy.” The reason we call a grown male with an unhealthy attachment to his mother a “mama’s boy” is that part of the process of becoming a man is an appropriate separation from the mother’s oversight. When the separation does not occur, an element of boyhood remains.


This can be hard for mothers, because they have a special place for their boys in their hearts. In fact, mothers have been found to have the DNA of their sons forever “stored” in their brains, hearts, and other organs. “Mary kept these things in her heart …”  We already knew that the bond between a mother and a son is uniquely deep, but this confirms that a mother’s son is literally kept inside her body!


The reason the separation is necessary is that a man leaves the feminine represented by the mother to be re-integrated into the feminine through his wife. Marriage requires the total self-gift, so he cannot retain a boy-like affection for his mother while giving himself totally to his wife. “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh” (Matthew 19:5).


A hard new truth

This separation is hard for mothers. The sense of rejection, however, is often not felt until the time of the wedding, when the mother is finally and fully “replaced” as the primary feminine love in a man’s life. This moment can be the moment everything changes in a relationship between a man’s mother and his bride, because it has. This is also why and when the tension builds: the mother, perhaps unconsciously, blames the new wife for her feelings of rejection, and if there is any pattern or history of betrayal from other men, those feelings can emerge and lead to seeming unreasonable anger toward the new couple.


The new wife, for her part, can at times feel like her husband’s mother exercises too much influence on her son and can feel a weird sort of jealousy or sense of betrayal – she wants his whole heart! This becomes a greater problem if the son does in fact remain overly attached to his mother.


In some cases, you hear a married couple describe the new reality of their marriage thus: 

Leading up to the wedding, we [the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law] were like best friends. But then after the wedding – the very day of the wedding – everything seemed to change and now everything is drama. I don’t know what happened!”


Embracing reality

So what can we do? Well, as you know, interpersonal tensions and family wounds can be hard to navigate, but the greatest way we can lessen potential tension (whether “we” are brides, sons or mothers) is to acknowledge the truth and ask for grace.


Mothers must accept that their sons are men and husbands, meaning mom must, in a sense, submit to his authority in his home and not ever seek to influence the choices and directions of the family. She no longer has authority over him. She had her chance, and now he is grown. She must never speak ill of his new wife as a way to re-create a bond with the son, and she should not use guilt to try to coax him back in close to her or to do what she thinks is right.


Sons should cleave to their wives, and not sow unnecessary tension by, for example, discussing things with their mothers that they do not discuss with their wives, or seeking motherly advice or approval in ways that a boy would. They should reverence their mothers and honor them as they are commanded by God to do, while doing so as men. They must give themselves totally and fully to their wives.


Wives should reverence their mother-in-law as well, with proper respect and gratitude for the gift of the husband. They should seek them out as mentors and, in the best case, develop friendships with the mother, united by their common love. While they may feel the tension at times, they have still married into a family and respect is important. If the mother is incapable of such a relationship and won’t “let go” of the son, a wife can have sympathy and focus on mutual trust with her husband so that the tension does not infiltrate and weaken marital unity.


And in all of this, we can know that it is God’s will that men and women join together in holy matrimony. We know that the fruit of that union is children, and that all of these relationships are good and capable of being holy and life giving. Even if tense and difficult, I think that the potential barriers also provide the opportunity for a closer union and greater love, if we allow truth and grace to give us light to see each other by.

Why Be A Chauvinist? 

Why Be A Chauvinist? 

Chauvinist?



The first time I came across the phrase ‘male chauvinist pig’, I had no idea what it meant. I was reading a romance novel my sister had passed on to me. Being only ten years old at the time, I had simply taken mental note of the new terms and continued reading. 
But as I grew older, the phrase began taking better perspective in my brain. Male chauvinists are everywhere around us. Men who seek every opportunity to belittle women in whatever way(s) they can, fall under this categorisation. 
I’m guessing you have male friends who sit around and talk about ladies as though they were ‘devils’ sent from the pit of hell, all day and everyday? Maybe you’re one yourself? Perhaps you can’t help but ‘cat call’ whenever you see a beautiful lady, thinking her place in society is restricted to ‘za kitchen and za oza room?’ 
Oh! Maybe you’re a groper; one who thinks it’s okay to simply touch ladies’ body parts at the slightest chance (even in public places), without realising they’re human beings with feelings? Perhaps you’re not a very physical man. You only have thought patterns that make you believe that women can’t be better than men in any possible way? Voilà! You’re a male chauvinist…ehen! 
I was raised by a mum, whose love nearly messed me up (positively of course). If she were still around, I would be a much better man today, no doubt.
I grew up in the midst of sisters who taught me to love and respect women. No kidding! Women have ‘love’ hot wired into their DNA. This is why many children that miss the opportunity to be raised in its mother’s arms, turns out WRONG! 
According to ‘theAsianParent.com, “Brain images had revealed that a mother’s love physically affects the volume of her child’s hippocampus – by almost 10 per cent…” Do you have any idea what that means?
News Medical Online says, “the hippocampus is a small organ located within the brain’s medial temporal lobe and forms an important part of the limbic system, the region that regulates emotions… [it] is associated mainly with memory, in particular long-term memory.” 
So the fact that we have male chauvinists could be a clear sign that many kids grew up without a mother’s love. How else can we explain the emotions of men who think women can never achieve anything meaningful in society? 
If you’re a man, getting ready to marry, and you still think that a wife is meant to be your slave – one who would say ‘yes sir’ to your every whim and caprice, you’re WRONG! And your hippocampus is dysfunctional. Get some true love, so that, that part of your brain might receive some new inspiration. 
For those already married, do allow your wives be themselves. Trust them enough to give them some breathing space. And don’t be neck deep in extra marital affairs as to forget that the marriage covenant is between “a man and a woman”, and not “a man and two women”, or “a man and some women.” Infidelity is thus the chief expression of male chauvinism. 
In a final twist, perhaps what’s more pathetic than all the scenarios painted above is the fact that women have proven many times to be more chauvinist than men. We have mothers teaching their female children that it’s a man’s world, hence they can’t be whatever they want to be. There are women who are ever ready to be side chicks and mistresses. Some women have helped men look down on and disrespect their fellow women… The list is endless. 
Thus, women must as a matter of necessity learn to think better of themselves and act accordingly. They must be willing to be trail blazers and icons of emulation in various fields of human endeavour. They must therefore SHOW us how they want to be treated. 
Nonetheless, if we want a better society, we must learn to treat our women better, be they trail blazers or not. They have what it takes to heal our world and make it a better place. So why be or remain a chauvinist?
© Oselumhense Anetor, 2018.

She Was A Virgin At 15, Until Her Religious Mother Took Her For A Traumatizing “Abortion”

She Was A Virgin At 15, Until Her Religious Mother Took Her For A Traumatizing “Abortion”


Queen suffered emotional trauma as a child, even though the trauma is long in the past, those emotional scars are still there. She decided to share her story to let go of some of the anger and find healing.

She tweeted,

When I was 15, I had an abortion. 14 years later I’m still suffering from the trauma. This Thread is the major reason for opening this account. I need to share in order to let go of some of my anger and maybe heal.

I was 15 and I’ve finally decided to have sex with Nathan- my 18yr boyfriend. After many pressure from my friends and Nathan, I thought it was time. We decided to meet on a Wednesday. My dad was a pastor and my mum a deaconess, Wednesday was their prayer warrior meetings.

My only sister was 13 and won’t be a problem to leave at home and go meet Nathan for a few minutes (thinking sex shouldn’t take up to 5mins) The Sunday before the Wednesday we were supposed to meet, our plan went to dust.

We had finished our Sunday service and my dad was still counseling members that had one problem or the other. My mum was having a women’s meeting and my younger sis was engaged in a youths drama rehearsals. Mum asked me to go home and make rice.

I got home and put the rice on the stove. There was electricity so I decided to iron our uniforms for the next day but first I needed to have my bath. I’d finished having my bath and was tying only a towel when I heard a knock. It was Nathan.

I smiled a welcome. He said he has seen me coming back from church alone & wanted to say hi. He lived with his brother just behind our compound. He entered into the room. I was still in my towel but I wasn’t the least uncomfortable. We’ve made out several times before & I trust him.

He helped me iron the uniforms on the bed. I went in to bring down the rice. I told him it was time to go and he asked if our rendezvous was still on. I confirmed and he asked for a goodbye kiss 5 mins later we were still making out, this time we were on the bed. Then a knock!

My tongue went dry, I thought it was my dad but then I remembered he doesn’t knock. It was Nathan’s uncle. He opened the door before I got to it, giving me just enough time to readjust my towel. Till today I still don’t know how he knew to come to my house.

He dragged Nathan off the bed, slapped him and then dragged him out of the house but not without first giving me a dirty look Later that evening, we were having dinner, my dad was still in his church clothes. We heard a knock & my dad invited the person in It was Nathan’s uncle!

The dryness returned to my tongue as he took my dad outside. 5mins later my dad stormed into the room with rage all over his face as he charged towards me. I quickly opened my mouth to explain but all I got out was a sound before his blows started raining on me.

My mum screamed as she asked him what was happening. She tried to interfere and my dad threw a stool at her. I really can’t go into details of the beating but it was the worst beating of my life. Pestle, rod, wire, then finally split my scalp with the sole of his shoe. I fainted.

My father has beaten me in the past. In fact he abused me both physically and emotionally that I sometimes doubt he was my dad. You see he was a reputable pastor that believed I should be an example to both my sister and the church youths. So I get hit for the slightest reason.

I went into shock and couldn’t speak for a week and 4 days. My mum had to stitch me up, she was also a nurse. Now I and my mum normally see our period at the same time & I’d usually ask her for pad. The time for my period came and due to the trauma I suffered, It didn’t happen.

My mum asked me but I couldn’t still speak. So they decided I was pregnant! My dad shouted at me, called me a disgrace and beat me some more. I tried to talk, I really did, to tell them I was still a freaking virgin! But my voice failed me.

One morning my mum took me to a woman. It was a four hour drive, I actually thought I was being sent away and I was happy. I was tired of being with that family! The woman however asked me to strip and lie on a table. I didn’t understand but I obeyed.

She then asked me to spread my legs and brought out this wicked looking steels. I became scared and started to struggle against the guy holding me down. “We remove baby, don’t worry, it’s like prick” the woman said in a bad English as she made to insert one of the steels.

And that was when I realized what was happening. I fought and struggled but the steel still went in and then I felt the most excruciating sharp pain ever. That was when I finally screamed out. That was when my voice finally came back. “Ah. Virgin!” Was all the woman said.

She then left hurriedly dragging the man along. Few mins later, the man came back and asked me to wear my clothes and go meet my mum. The ride back home was quiet. I was crying quietly. Till today, I don’t know if the woman told my mum or not. I actually stopped caring.

It’s been 14 years now. I talk to my parents, send them money, even visit them once every 3 years or so. But I hate them! Especially my dad. He ruined my life. I feel like if he had allowed me just explain myself that Sunday, my life would have taken a different shape now.

But I’m now damaged. I can’t be in a functional relationship. I actually can’t boast of any lasting relationship I’ve had. I remained a virgin till my 3rd year in the university and even after that, sex is still unbearable to me.

I can’t stand it. I feel that woman’s steel piercing me every time I’m about to have sex. One of my boyfriends actually said I made him feel like he was raping me. I need help. I’ve tried counselling, books, online articles but I still feel damaged.

I really need to let go of my anger and forgive my parents, esp my dad. Forgiving them is the only barrier in my Christianity and I think, my healing process. I just want to finally have a healthy relationship and move on. Thanks for reading.

I’ve been reading everyone’s comment and it seems it’s geared towards confronting my parents. I’ve decided to do it. I will schedule a visit and pray hard I have the courage to see it through. I really didn’t expect this generosity from you all. Thank you.

Do you have any advice for her? Comment below 

10 Good Reasons To Save Sex Till Marriage 

10 Good Reasons To Save Sex Till Marriage 

What’s love got to do with it?

Purity and chastity seem to be virtues that have gone out of fashion. The crisis of values ​​has led many young people to see sex as the center of their dating relationship. Sexually active men are considered “winners” and women “experienced,” while someone who saves him or herself in chastity is taken to be a prude, sexually incapable, or repressed by the Church. However, the reality is completely the opposite. Let’s take a look at 10 reasons to promote sexual abstinence among our youth.
 

1. It promotes good communication in dating. When a couple practices abstinence, their communication is good because they are not just focused on pleasure but on the joy of sharing their views and experiences; moreover, their conversations are deeper. By contrast, physical intimacy is an easy way to relate, but it overshadows other forms of communication. It is a way of avoiding the real work involved in emotional intimacy, like talking about deep personal issues and working on the basic differences between the two of you.

 

2. The friendship in your relationship grows. Physical closeness can lead teenagers to think they are emotionally close, when in fact they are not. A romantic relationship essentially consists in cultivating a friendship, and there is no friendship without conversation and shared interests. Personal conversation creates friendships and helps us to discover one another and get to know the other’s qualities and flaws. Some young people are driven by passion, and when they get to know each other more deeply, they end up disenchanted. And they did not get to know each other because they never got to be friends; instead, they were “friends with benefits.”


3. There is a better relationship with both sets of parents. When men and women respect each other, their love matures and improves their friendship with both sets of parents. Generally, parents prefer their unmarried children to live lives of sexual continence, and they are concerned if they know their children are sexually active without being married. When a couple knows they have to hide their sexual relations, their guilt and stress grow. Couples who decide to wait relate more amicably with their own parents and with their beloved’s parents.


4. You feel more free to question whether you should continue the relationship. Sexual relationships have the power to strongly unite two people, and can prolong an unhealthy relationship based on physical attraction or the need for security. A person may feel “trapped” in a relationship that they would like to end, but they can’t find their way out.  A person who is not having sex can more easily break the emotional bond to the other, because there has not been such powerful intimacy on the physical level. Moreover, if the woman gets pregnant, both partners do not feel as free to decide to get separated, get married, go to work, and so on.

 

5. It encourages generosity instead of selfishness. Sexual relations in dating can lead to selfishness and a focus on self-satisfaction. They can lead people to feel like they are competing with others whom their partner may find more attractive. It fosters insecurity and selfishness, because when you get sexually intimate, the tendency is to ask for more and more.


6. There is less risk of physical or verbal abuse. Sex outside of marriage is associated with violence and other forms of abuse. For example, there is more than twice the physical aggression among couples living together without any commitment than among married couples. There is less jealousy and less selfishness in dating couples who decide to postpone sexual activity than in those who are driven by passion.


7. It increases the repertoire of ways to show affection. The couple who practices abstinence finds new ways to show affection; they must use inventiveness and ingenuity to have a good time and to demonstrate their interest in each other. The relationship becomes stronger as they have more opportunities to get to know each other’s character and habits, and learn the ways to maintain the relationship.


8. The couple is more likely to succeed in marriage. Research has shown that couples who have cohabited are more likely to divorce than those who have not cohabited.


9. If you decide to break off the relationship, it will hurt less. The ties that sexual activity forms bind us strongly to the other person, so if there is a break-up, the resulting pain is more intense. When you have not been physically intimate and decide to break up, the separation is less devastating.


10. Most importantly, you’ll feel better about yourself. Sexually active adolescents often lose their self-esteem and admit that they live with guilt. When they decide to let go of physical intimacy, they feel new and grow as people. They enhance their intellectual, artistic, and social potential as they put all that creative energy into developing their talents.

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